One of the things about being married is that, usually, only one person can break your heart. But after that happens, and you start dating again... well, it can happen again. And again.
I have met two amazing women since my marriage ended. Each of them inspired love in me, in different ways. One was a romantic whirlwind, full of excitement (and drama). Fun, but ultimately not sustainable. The other was a beautiful, steadfast, deep connection that I thought might lead to a long-term future together.
That one just ended, and unfortunately, she chose not to share her reasons for ending it with me, informing me she won't respond to any communication from me. So I am left to speculate, full of self-doubt and recrimination, hoping I didn't hurt her, but not knowing since she has chosen not to tell me what's up. Her email said, "I own all the responsibility for this, and I'm so very sorry." But that doesn't keep me from wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done better, or how I completely missed that it was over until getting a big surprise via email. I'm hurt and confused, and the fact that she won't talk to me about it has me very worried.
I sort of feel as if I failed a test nobody told me I was taking. How do you study, if you don't even know what the subject is? And when you're seeing someone who says she values communication, but doesn't communicate, how can you succeed?
I guess I'm seeing some big things I need to work on.
First -- my confidence is low these days. My marriage wasn't good for it -- for all the good in the marriage, there was a great deal of feeling inadequate, that I was never good enough, successful enough, affluent enough, attractive enough. It's not helping that I'm overweight again, so I am going to fix that.
Second -- I want to be in a relationship, perhaps too much. I'm fundamentally lonely. My vision for my life includes a romantic partner with whom I can share it. I would like someone who wants a very close connection. I want to share the little things in our lives; the daily challenges and wins, the heartaches, and the joys. I've always been an extrovert, so maybe I am just a happier person in a relationship. But is it because I'm not happy with myself?
Third -- I want to find someone who can accept and appreciate it when I am giving, loving, and generous. I want to find someone who isn't uncomfortable with thoughtfulness, and maybe is good at reciprocating. But am I giving because I want someone to appreciate me? Would I be as giving if I were just being appreciated, generally, for who and what I am?
I thought I knew how to be in and contribute to a good relationship. But do I? Am I genuinely loving, kind, and compassionate? Is that the most important thing? And if not, what is? How can I be "enough" for my partner? Do I know how to discern and meet my partner's needs?
And how do I do this without quite so much heartache? It seems a fundamental dichotomy: If I am vulnerable enough and open enough with my heart to find out if a relationship can work, I am more likely to be hurt, and to hurt more deeply, if it ends. But how can I find out unless I am willing to love, and to take the risk that I'll be hurt?
Is there someone out there for me that wants the same things I want and is willing to give and receive?
