How much heartbreak?

One of the things about being married is that, usually, only one person can break your heart.  But after that happens, and you start dating again... well, it can happen again.  And again.

I have met two amazing women since my marriage ended.  Each of them inspired love in me, in different ways.  One was a romantic whirlwind, full of excitement (and drama).  Fun, but ultimately not sustainable.  The other was a beautiful, steadfast, deep connection that I thought might lead to a long-term future together.

That one just ended, and unfortunately, she chose not to share her reasons for ending it with me, informing me she won't respond to any communication from me.  So I am left to speculate, full of self-doubt and recrimination, hoping I didn't hurt her, but not knowing since she has chosen not to tell me what's up.  Her email said, "I own all the responsibility for this, and I'm so very sorry."  But that doesn't keep me from wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done better, or how I completely missed that it was over until getting a big surprise via email.  I'm hurt and confused, and the fact that she won't talk to me about it has me very worried.

I sort of feel as if I failed a test nobody told me I was taking.  How do you study, if you don't even know what the subject is?  And when you're seeing someone who says she values communication, but doesn't communicate, how can you succeed?

I guess I'm seeing some big things I need to work on.

First -- my confidence is low these days.  My marriage wasn't good for it -- for all the good in the marriage, there was a great deal of feeling inadequate, that I was never good enough, successful enough, affluent enough, attractive enough.  It's not helping that I'm overweight again, so I am going to fix that.

Second -- I want to be in a relationship, perhaps too much.  I'm fundamentally lonely.  My vision for my life includes a romantic partner with whom I can share it.  I would like someone who wants a very close connection.  I want to share the little things in our lives; the daily challenges and wins, the heartaches, and the joys.  I've always been an extrovert, so maybe I am just a happier person in a relationship.  But is it because I'm not happy with myself?

Third -- I want to find someone who can accept and appreciate it when I am giving, loving, and generous.  I want to find someone who isn't uncomfortable with thoughtfulness, and maybe is good at reciprocating.  But am I giving because I want someone to appreciate me?  Would I be as giving if I were just being appreciated, generally, for who and what I am?

I thought I knew how to be in and contribute to a good relationship.  But do I?  Am I genuinely loving, kind, and compassionate?  Is that the most important thing?  And if not, what is?  How can I be "enough" for my partner?  Do I know how to discern and meet my partner's needs?

And how do I do this without quite so much heartache?  It seems a fundamental dichotomy:  If I am vulnerable enough and open enough with my heart to find out if a relationship can work, I am more likely to be hurt, and to hurt more deeply, if it ends.  But how can I find out unless I am willing to love, and to take the risk that I'll be hurt?

Is there someone out there for me that wants the same things I want and is willing to give and receive?

Too funny not to share

An Open Letter to My Friends and Family

Dear Loved Ones,

I know I have seemed a bit different lately. You must have noticed it, because a change like this doesn't happen gradually. It has only been a matter of a couple of months, though for some of you it may seem longer. A distraction here, a bit of inattention there, a casual remark that seems out of character. I want you to know I can't help it, and ask you to bear with me while I see this thing through. I expect it to be behind me a couple of months from now.

You have to understand that the foundation for this has been laid my entire life. From the time I was a little girl, I knew this might happen someday. Honestly, I didn't think it would take this long, or that I'd be this old when it did. I guess if I'm honest with myself, I've been anticipating it all along. I knew I'd be affected by it, but I guess even I didn't realize to what extent.

Certain days are worse than others. I'm getting through work days fine, but the weekends are tough. Saturdays... well, just forget about it! I'm just asking all of you who love me to bear with me, and support me, and forgive me if I forget myself at times.

But it's just not every year the Auburn Tigers make a run for the NCAA football championship!

WAR EAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some days are more equal than others.

Got to work and the call center's phones went down -- not just a brief little outage, but a statewide problem at the phone company. Three hours later, we're still down and I am the one who has to explain to our customers why their call center isn't working.

Excuse me while I try to avoid a nervous breakdown.

(I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.)

Maybe just ONE bad hair day?

No, no bad hair days allowed. (But if there were going to be one, it would have been today.)

Instead, I'm going to list some blessings:

I have an amazing family and I love them dearly.

What went wrong today could have been worse and it's being fixed with little or no permanent ill consequences. (Whew.) And if it couldn't have been fixed, I would have gotten help from another quarter.

We get to go on a much-needed vacation at the end of this month.

I still have a job -- even if someone did accidentally take me out of the HR system.

Long, difficult days like this one come to an end, and the next day is almost always much better!

HGTV

My sweetie loves to watch HGTV. It doesn't really matter what show is on -- if it's HGTV, it's all good. (I, on the other hand, find most of the design shows extremely annoying.)

This is dangerous for me because any viewing of HGTV puts the quiet stability of my home in serious jeopardy.

The targets of the moment are the mantle in the living room ("It's just this big, white THING in the middle of the wall!"), the paint in the upstairs office ("It's just wrong!"), the kitchen table (I'm not really sure what the objection is to the adorable kitchen table, but it's on the hit list), and the bed in the master bedroom ("What would you think about hanging the back of a sofa on the wall as a headboard?").

I'm not into changing things up just for the fun of it. I don't mind doing household projects, but it's not my favorite activity. I'm the kind of person who's perfectly happy to leave the furniture right where it is. That way, I don't break my toes on it in the middle of the night. But these things make my sweetie happy -- and that makes for a happy home, in general.

I'm leaving town next week. Who knows what will be hanging on the wall where the mantle is now?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Colorado has the weirdest weather!

Thursday it was so warm and sunny I drove my convertible with the top down. Friday it snowed like crazy. Today it's sunny again, and the snow is melting.

I never know how to dress.